It's been a long long time

I should really write a book.  It's been a very long time, almost 2 years to the date since I posted last.

I ended up in a relationship that was supposed to take me on a journey to be me, and achieve great things, but instead took me so far away from me that I almost died.  I will refer to him as Beater.

I had met someone - who at first - my instinct said he's nothing but a player.  He persisted and I finally said yes on going out with him.  Beater was single, and that was a huge bonus for me as most of the men I had met prior were married.  Not good.  After a very bad and good first date, he drove away never to see me again, and I was ok with that.  But he persisted again, and two days later his sweet words and charming poetry brought me back, against my better judgement.  There were good times, but there were a lot of bad times, and I mean a lot.  When he moved in with me was the first time he hit me.  I realized that when he drank he was a monster.  He called me horrible names and raped me.  I had never experienced anyone like this before.   My insecurities said stay you can fix this.  My head was get out now!  My fear of being alone, left me there.

When he wasn't drinking he was smart, and funny and encouraged me with my photography.  I enjoyed being with him.  I could see a future.  We could sit down and talk about things that we both felt we needed to improve on.  But hindsight now shows me that he was just playing me.  He was never wrong.   I had faith at the time that he could see his evil ways, and I believed his empty promises of quiting drinking, but he couldn't stay away from the drink.  Each day he had to have something to drink.  And when I say something, it was usually a 26 of rum, straight up.   As long as I went along with him I was fine, but when he said I did something wrong, I must have done something wrong.    The punishment was always there or to come.

Then one night he had drank too much and we had an argument.  He thought - or rather - believed - I was having an affair with my ex, and he knew best.  I was to be punished.  We fought, and fought and he tried to have sex with me, and I refused.  The more I refused, the stronger he became, and I finally managed to get free of the house, and I ran down the street, in the middle of the night.  I didn't have a phone, so I couldn't call anyone.  Kim was in the house in her room, probably scared to death.  I was so afraid for her, but I was afraid to go back also.  He of course ran after me and caught up to me.  He grabbed my hair and dragged me down the middle of the street.  I took a swing at him and he clocked me upside the head and broke my glasses on my face.  I started to scream for help and he let me go and headed back to the house.  A bus came not long after and I got on it.   The bus driver let me call Kim, but she didn't answer.  The wireless service we had at that house was horrible.  Her in the basement - she was getting no reception.  I didn't know what to do.  I needed her out of the house, I needed to be safe,  but I wasn't going to abandon her.  So I went back.  she was inside the house - he was outside waiting for me.  I finally got Kim's attention at the patio entrance and she tried to open the door when I tried to tell her to keep it shut.  She finally understood and got her keys and the dogs and went out the front door.  He wouldn't leave me alone.  He kept calling me names and Kim names, and then he would say we could work things out.  He will change, he will never hit me again...  Kim was scared and she phoned the police.  I managed to get away from him and got in the car.  The police met us at the coop by our house.  I gave my statement.  The officers told me to stay away from him because he was dangerous.  I figured they were just saying that because he was black...  I later found out the truth.

They had picked him up and threw him in the drunk tank overnight.  they told me I wasn't allowed to speak to him, and he wasn't allowed to be in touch with me.  If he tried I was to call them.  I had never been much for following rules, and I was also fear driven.  I ignored him for almost a day and a half.  He kept phoning me and messaging me.  I finally couldn't take it and I answered the phone.  He was devastated, he was apologetic, and remorseful.  He came back to the house because he had no where to go.  He even managed to cry in front of me.   Now I know all of you reading this are saying...  "are you crazy what are you doing?".  But I know this is not an excuse, but when he wasn't drinking I believed he was good.  Kim hated him - and with good reason, he was rude to her and her friends and mostly me.  He promised her he would stop, he promised me he would go for counselling and AA meetings.  And for about 2 months he was good...  He finished his program, and laughed it off.  He started drinking again, but not as often.  The months pass, I learned a whole lot more about this guy, and I ended up being deeper into something I didn't really want to be in.  He threatened Kim's life if I tried to leave.  He said he would know if I talked to anyone, and I believed he would.  I believed if he believed I did something, I would be dead.  I felt so trapped, with no way out.


On December 13th,  I found out my dad was in the hospital because he had fallen down.  I was afraid to tell Beater that I had to go to the hospital.  I knew he was distancing me from my family, controlling who I could see and couldn't.  But it was my dad, so I made a scary decision.  I told Beater that my mom was at home, and I was going to my mom's and he couldn't stop me.  My mom needed me and that's where I was going to be.  The weeks prior to that we had hardly spoken to my parents.  My dad was in the hospital for 10 days before I found out.  But, that night, he was surprisingly supportive and the two of us went to my mom's.  We spent the night, and the next day we went to visit my dad.  

December 14, 2012, my birthday, Kim's choir concert.  

He was not looking to good, my dad thought I never loved him because I didn't come to visit him - but I didn't know.  I felt horrible.  As the evening progressed, "he" shaved my dad's beard as a favour to me.   I was having such a hard time knowing that Kim's concert was a few hours away - but "he" had forbidden me to go.  He felt Kim didn't respect me, and I had to give Kim tough love until she realized how important I was to her.  But I couldn't do it.  I had to go.  She's my daughter.  I have missed only one event in her entire life - and that's because I was in the hospital.  Of course me telling him I'm going to watch Kim created yet another fight.  He spat at me, I think he slapped me across the face, but I can't be certain.  All I remembered was Kim needed me, and I had to get there before the concert started.  He called me names, and I left him on the ctrain platform.   I made it minutes before the concert started.  I was so pleased with my decision of seeing Kim.  She needed me and I was there for her.  But I was deathly afraid that when I got home he'd be drunk and I would get beaten.  Again I had another surprise.  By the time I gotten home he had calmed down, and we talked like adults.  I thought we were good.  The next time he drank, we fought, not physical, but verbal and I paid for that night - many times over.

I knew I had wanted to leave him, but he would threaten to harm Kim every time I wanted to leave.  I think it was a few nights later, he and Kim fought so much that I had to get Kim out before he hurt her.  She wanted him to hit her and she was ready to call the cops again, but he restrained himself, which I was happy about.  I was in the middle of the two of them screaming at each other.  Literally, trying to keep them away from each other, and I finally yelled at Kim to get out, and she did.  Unfortunately it nearly killed me and my relationship with my daughter, to watch my baby girl sitting on the steps crying and not speaking to me because she thinks I took his side.  I was trying to save her life.  But she didn't see it that way.  Every time I had told "him" that I was done, he said I knew too much and I didn't want to see Kim in a pine box.  So that night was the last time I spoke to her for over 3 months.  I was miserable.  We never really spent any time together over Christmas either.  It was horrible. I just wanted her to see that I was protecting her, but she saw me protecting him.  She didn't know half of the things that went on behind closed doors.

With Kim not being there to "stress" him out, he was able to do his "magic" in peace...  He still drank, and still said nasty things to me when he was drunk, but he never hit me again.  I wasn't allowed to speak to her, but I still tried; but, she wanted nothing to do with me.  It was the worst time in my life.  I wanted to die.

On March 13, 2013, my dad passed away in front of me.  I was happy Beater wasn't there.  The day before he died, I had to go and see my dad because the doctor called and didn't think he was going to make it through the nigh.  Beater was at a Knights of Columbus meeting and it was finished at 9.  I received the call from mom at 8, and then I got a call from "him" saying he was done his meeting, come get him.  I told him I couldn't because my mom needed to be at the hospital and I asked him to ask another brother to take him home or bring him closer to me.  He refused, said it was a stupid thing to ask such a thing and hurry up and get him.  So terrified of a fight, I picked up mom and dropped her off, and then went to get "him".  We stayed with my dad until 2 AM, when the nurses said he was stabilizing. We went home, I went to work the next day, and went straight there after work and watched my dad die as soon as I got there.  At this time, Kim still wasn't talking to me.  But I had to phone her.  Her grandfather had just died.  She wouldn't answer my call, so I had to call her friend Santana.  Santana called Kim and Kim called me.  It was the first time in 3 months I had spoken to her and I had to tell her that her grandfather had died.

She came over to the hospital right away, and I got to hold my baby for a few minutes.  What a horrible way to see her, but I was very happy to have been given the chance.

My parents hadn't planned a funeral, so I had an hour to calm my mom, and my daughter, and make funeral arrangements.  His body needed to be cleaned up and picked up and the process needed to begin.  I stayed with my mom.  Kim was with her aunt and uncle (for which I am grateful for until I die) and then the fights with Beater began again.  I refused to go home with "him" when he thought it was time.  So during a very stressful time in my life, he insisted on fighting with me.  I had began trying to figure out how I am going to get away from him without dying doing so.

After the funeral, Kim called me up one day, and told me she missed me.  Unfortunately I was with "him" and afraid to show emotions, but I couldn't help but cry.  He told me I did good, she knew my worth now, but I still wasn't allowed to do anything or see her.  But that didn't stop us.  Whenever I could I would text her and delete the messages.  Kim got her own place and I promised not to tell him where she was living and she let me see it.  We were on the up to rebuilding a relationship that will never be what it was before, but hopeful something stronger than it was.

Over the next few months, we planned the sale of my house growing up and my mom to move into an apartment.  She wanted to sell the house and get her own little place.  I was happy she wanted her own place but saddened that I wasn't going to be able to fix up the house I grew up in.  Ultimately it was her decision.  "he" was thrilled, because mom would give us money.  And she did.  By now we were together for a year, and he was thrilled he was entitled to half of everything I had.  He was planning our future and if I didn't agree he threatened me.  I told him I wanted out, he said pay him off and I could go free.  He wouldn't harm Kim or me.  I believed him.  But it was a lie.

I was scared.  I had visions that he was going to kill me.  The many nights he drank, and we argued, he was always pointing his fake gun finger at my head.  Or saying If I had a gun your brains would be splattered all over the wall.  He would insult me, my family.  By this point I didn't have much family left.  I was forbidden to speak to pretty much any male from my family list in Facebook or on the phone.  I started laying beside him after his drunkeness passed out and tried to figure out where the most fatal place would be to stab him.  I had to make sure it was fatal or I would die in retaliation.  I have never thought about killing someone.  I never thought I could but I needed to think if I had no choice, me or him, I would have to.  He had threatened me, my daughter and my mom.  I realize this is not a good thing to say, but I'm happy to say I didn't have to do it.  He gave me the strength to do it in a different way.

September 6, was the next time he hit me.  We had moved my mom in to her new apartment, and the much younger moving boy "apparently" was looking at me in a sexual way.  Beater was always telling me I was a slut, or I was looking at that man with longing in my eyes.  Which of course was never true (One night in the winter, he swore I had sex in the kitchen when I let Kira (my dog) out to do her business. I told him if someone was here and left, you would see footprints, but there were no prints but Kira's on the fresh snow...  but he insisted he saw someone - this never stopped - he believed and I suffered for it.)  So after trying to get me to wait in the car, and of course I was totally defiant, he almost beat the kid up...  ordered me to drive him home.  He told my mom that I was a whore and unfaithful to him.  I finally caved and drove him home.  All of a sudden, out of the blue, no warning whatsoever, he backhands me, while I'm driving, and splits my lip and makes my nose swell.  At this point I was finished.  He promised again he wouldn't hit me, but I didn't believe him.  I knew if I stayed I would die...  During one of our fights he had me trapped in the kitchen and we were at knife point to each other.  Thankfully, it didn't go further than threats - that time.

He had his many societies he was a part of and one of them was Knights of Columbus.  They had a golf tournament on September 23.  September 23.  We had our golf tournament and on the way home he was insisting that I was having an affair with the Grand Knight.  accusation after accusation I couldn't say anything right, he was right and I was unfaithful and a whore.  That night he was ready to take down the catholic church and forced me to write a letter to the organization heads accusing the grand knight of being a thief and unfaithful to his fiancĂ©, and he was unworthy of holding that title.  All day he was drinking...  when we got home he drank more and more and more...  and finally lost it on me.  I finished the email and he beat the shit out of me.  He would go away, drink some more and then come back and throw more punches at me.  He hit me so hard I saw stars, but I fought every ounce of blacking out because I was afraid of what he would do to me if I was unconscious.  He threw things at me, punched me, called me names, attacked my family He spat at me many times, he threw his rum at me - I was face to face with the devil himself.  When he was finally finished, I was allowed to shower.  All I wanted to do was leave but knew leaving was impossible.  I would get up and go to work and not come home, but I had Kira...  I couldn't leave her there...  and then he came back...  and raped me.  When he finally finished, he passed out.  The voice in my head said go now, and I listened.  Kira followed me everywhere and we did a test run first to see if he would wake up.  I went and got a drink and came back.  no movement.. I took the dog, and my cameras and left out the back door.  we got outside and we ran as fast as Kira could go.  I was gone.  It took him an hour and a half to wake up and realize I was gone.  He called me over and over and over again, leaving threatening messages but I never called back.

I tried to find a hotel at 3 AM, in my beat up body and ripped pj's and there was nothing available.  I drove to a police station that had a locked door.  A police car came in and drove right past me.  It's 3 AM I'm standing in the middle of the door in ripped clothing, and the police ignored me.  I call the non emerge number, and spoke to dispatch but by this time I was terrified of Beater's retaliation, so I didn't pursue.  I messaged Kim, and thank God, she was awake.  I went to her place and she cried tears of joy because I was free of him.  In the morning we picked up my mom because I was scared he would go to her house, and she took me to the hospital.  I had a black eye, bruises everywhere, footprints on my ribcage, and a broken thumb, and a fractured forearm.  But I was breathing.   

The next day I was one of those people you see in the wal-mart photos...  baggy torn pj's shopping at wal-mart.  haha

Kim came through and took care of me for three weeks.  I slept in her dining room on an air mattress but I didn't care because I was with her.  Luke, her roommate, and Kim were such an integral part of healing for me.  Luke helped me pick out strong girl songs to listen to when I felt weak...  :D  I went to counselling and tried to make sure I was safe.  It's almost been a year now.  Kim and I are strong.  But I am still afraid.  He knows where I work, he's there a lot.  Security is in place there.  He's dangerous.  But I'm trying to keep moving on.

I have to thank him for what he did.  I know that sounds crazy, but he did me a favour.  I have been going to school for photography.  I'm doing lots of volunteer work for many different organizations using my photography.  I have travelled to Europe twice, and have a new outlook on life.  My daughter and I are together and still living our lives.  I know what I want in life, and I will never settle for anything but what I want.

Life is short.  I will take nothing for granted again.  I am going to be the person I was meant to be by God, and there is no one that will stop me from achieving my goals.  No one will ever come between me and my family again.  I was given a second chance from God, to live the life I was meant to live now in the way it's supposed to be.  I'm taking full advantage of this chance.  Thank you God, for giving it to me.

I hope my writing this hasn't offended anyone.  I feel now is the time to tell my story and maybe I will be able to let go of the past and focus on the future.

Thank you all for being there for me during this very difficult time in my life.  I love you  Kim I couldn't have done this without you.  I hope you are proud of me for keeping my word on never going back.  

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