Where Do I Begin?

There is so much I want to share with you, I just don't know where to begin.  My posts may be all over the place, but I will try my very best to keep the current entry on one subject.  May not be chronological, but it is going to come out exactly how it's supposed to.

I have made countless attempts at self love.   I looked back on all the entries I have shared here since 2011, and the pattern is the same.  I have always known I was hard on myself, but I believe that since I didn't have the love, the true love, for myself, I was never going to heal.  I wanted to, but never knew just how to make it happen.

It's been six years since I was in a relationship.  I feel like this should be a relationship anonymous meeting.  Hi my name is Rosealee, and I have never been alone.  It's been six years since my last relationship, and I'm happy (although, please don't kid yourself, I get lonely at times, and it certainly hasn't been easy, but I can also thank COVID for helping me get through the first year and a half of solitude).  

My entire life I have "needed" to be in marriages, or relationships because I didn't want to be alone.  I was looking for justification to my being on this earth, longing for a love that I felt I have been missing in my younger life.  Of course, at that time, I didn't realize that was happening; it was the norm for me.  But now I see, I was never going to find the happiness I desired, because I lacked self love.

As young as 13, I was dating. I had developed looking like a woman fairly young, and had many adult men interested in me for the way I looked.  I have been told I had the stereotypical nice body, and judging by men's reactions, it was probably true.  I was the only one in grade 6 with a C cup that wasn't stuffed full of tissues, and the boys got quite the "kick" out of how they jiggled.  Clearly they never had "the talk" with their parents!   Kick em story is for another day.

I was bullied as a child, right through to the age of 14.  When I started high school, my two best friends and I went to a brand new school, outside of our district.  We left behind the pain we carried through elementary and junior high, looking for a fresh start.  We knew no one.  It was the first good decision I made.  

I was extremely shy (and I know - those who know me now would never believe that - but it was true).  I felt at this new school, I could be somewhat of a version of myself.  The bullying stopped, it was such a new feeling, but now I noticed that the  boys seemed to not like smart girls, and thus a new facade had begun with me.  I started to play dumb to get boys to like me. This became the next phase of Rose.

However, I'm not going to go that far back in time at this moment.  I want to talk about the last 10 years.  The road I took, the adventures, the aha moments, the love and the loss.  So I guess life.  

Put your seatbelt on, you're in for a rollercoaster ride!