Aftermath - 2013

September 23, 2013 (refer to July 13, 2014 for the story that lead to this).  

My life completely changed.  This was the last time.  I was deceived, abused and willed to be dead by my assailant.  My partner.  The man who proclaimed love to me, but showed me the total opposite. 

I had to continue life.  Try to be as normal as possible, but how do I do that?  I wanted to blend into the background, remain unseen.  I just wanted to hide forever.   I was guilt ridden, ashamed, I felt dirty.  I felt like I let my daughter down.  I am her mom, I was supposed to protect her, but I put her in danger.  I felt defeated, unworthy.  Broken.

I had a black eye, a broken thumb, fractured forearm, bruises everywhere, I was sleeping in my daughter's living room on an air mattress (bless her heart for loving me). I had no clothes, no furniture - nothing but felt grateful at the same time that I had my daughter's love, and my life, and my sweet old dog that did her best to protect me.  

I had a job.  How do I go back to work looking the way I did without a thousand questions.  Let's not forget to mention the fear I had that "beater" would be back.  He knew where I worked.  I was afraid to take transit, for fear he would be there.  I was embarrassed and felt that people would judge.  Every where I went I was constantly in fear that he was watching me.

I took sick leave for a week and realized I was still terrified to return to work.  I asked to be relocated, but that was denied, so I booked vacation.  During that time I went to counselling. I was paired with a wonderful indigenous therapist.  Her help was good, but it was all stuff I had known from previous counselling session I had had with others.  I knew to not go the same route, I changed my phone number, I had zero contact with him.  I was always looking up and everywhere, I was very aware of my surroundings.  I pretended to be brave, but inside I was crying and scared.  She was comfortable with where we were going, so we began to discuss spirituality.  The Creator.  This was the beginning of a new journey for me. She gave me my first saging kit and I started to rebuild my life.  She encouraged me to look at the positives.

I stopped telling myself I was a victim, being a victim gives the abuser power that isn't his, and started saying I'm a warrior.  It took time before I could say those words seriously.  A long time.  I would giggle a little each time I said it.  I looked in a mirror, and couldn't look at myself.  But each day I looked in that mirror I got stronger.   The words came out a little louder, with a little more conviction.  I took the power away from him and I gave it back to me.  I walked away from him. 

I am a WARRIOR. 

I protected my daughter from him, and I had the strength and the courage to leave and not return.  I chose life.  My life.