Times are changing
This post is going to be a difficult one to write. As I am the ONLY one that is living this situation, and all of my friends and family are the outsiders, it may not be so easy to follow through with what I know deep inside is the right thing to do. So it's always easier for them to say things. Are you a little confused as to what I am talking about? I am confused about what's going on, so don't worry, we are all in the same boat.
Over the last six months or so, I have been openly unhappy in my relationship of just about two and a half years. It was always easy for everyone to say you need someone to soar with you, not bring you down. I would always come up with a reason to keep trying. If this happened it would be good. I don't want to quit. I don't want to fail. Our relationship has always had ups and downs, and I just wrote them off to communication and cultural differences. Nothing that talking things over with him couldn't fix. He's never been mean to Kim, and he's been there for when ever Kim needed something. I could say without regrets that he has been there for Kim more than her father has.
With time I thought things would get better. I kept saying that he has a good heart, and he does. He loves me. I love him. With his English getting better, he communicates better. But with communication, came distance.. Something changed in him, or maybe it was me? I am growing. I am learning about whom I want to become and where I would like to be in five years, ten years. With him, it didn't change. I am moving forward alone. With him there was a lot of talk. It seemed that he didn't have the ambition to change or better his future. He was constantly unhappy, and it killed me to see no life in his beautiful eyes. But love, what a strange emotion. For me, it seems that I would always try to see the best in people. I wanted the best. I wanted to succeed. I loved the way he would smile at me, and touch me and make love to me. It seemed to be only us in this whole world when we were together. But over the last few months trust became a problem, or should I say mistrust. He would do questionable things, and quote phrases from my text messages. Because of his lack of reading english he would often read into things that weren`t what they appeared to be. No explanation would help his ideas of what was going on. I even became a little cautious when I opened up his laptop and facebook was open and there was this young girl giving him her phone number asking him to call when he wanted to have some fun, and his reply was here`s my number, you call me when you want fun.
The breakdown of our relationship was affecting Kim also. She didn`t like seeing me unhappy. She didn`t like the lack of support I was being given. She felt I deserved sooo much more than what I was getting. Did I feel this way too? Yes. I did.
So he's been gone almost a week now, and I am having some difficulties with still having most of his stuff here. I folded some laundry yesterday and his clothes were in it. Some of the favorite clothes that I loved seeing on him. I realized I won't be seeing the sexy man under the clothes. I cried. But I have to be strong. We've been down this road twice already. things would change for a few months, and then it would fall back into old habbits. I have tried valiantly. Sometimes you can love someone with all you can give, but sometimes love isn't enough. There needs to be other things that bind you together.
He is now going to school, which is something I have wanted him to do for two years. A little bit too late for us, but wonderful for him. Right now, it's not in my game plan to have him here with me physically. If once his life gets in order, and my life is where I want it to be, and our two paths cross again, if fate wants us to be together it will happen. But now I can only say that I will miss him. I won't miss the fighting, or tears, but I will miss his smile and the love in his eyes. I don't wish him ill thoughts. I want him to succeed. I want him to know that he will always have a place in my heart for the good in him.
Breakups, do they always have to hurt so much?
Over the last six months or so, I have been openly unhappy in my relationship of just about two and a half years. It was always easy for everyone to say you need someone to soar with you, not bring you down. I would always come up with a reason to keep trying. If this happened it would be good. I don't want to quit. I don't want to fail. Our relationship has always had ups and downs, and I just wrote them off to communication and cultural differences. Nothing that talking things over with him couldn't fix. He's never been mean to Kim, and he's been there for when ever Kim needed something. I could say without regrets that he has been there for Kim more than her father has.
With time I thought things would get better. I kept saying that he has a good heart, and he does. He loves me. I love him. With his English getting better, he communicates better. But with communication, came distance.. Something changed in him, or maybe it was me? I am growing. I am learning about whom I want to become and where I would like to be in five years, ten years. With him, it didn't change. I am moving forward alone. With him there was a lot of talk. It seemed that he didn't have the ambition to change or better his future. He was constantly unhappy, and it killed me to see no life in his beautiful eyes. But love, what a strange emotion. For me, it seems that I would always try to see the best in people. I wanted the best. I wanted to succeed. I loved the way he would smile at me, and touch me and make love to me. It seemed to be only us in this whole world when we were together. But over the last few months trust became a problem, or should I say mistrust. He would do questionable things, and quote phrases from my text messages. Because of his lack of reading english he would often read into things that weren`t what they appeared to be. No explanation would help his ideas of what was going on. I even became a little cautious when I opened up his laptop and facebook was open and there was this young girl giving him her phone number asking him to call when he wanted to have some fun, and his reply was here`s my number, you call me when you want fun.
The breakdown of our relationship was affecting Kim also. She didn`t like seeing me unhappy. She didn`t like the lack of support I was being given. She felt I deserved sooo much more than what I was getting. Did I feel this way too? Yes. I did.
So he's been gone almost a week now, and I am having some difficulties with still having most of his stuff here. I folded some laundry yesterday and his clothes were in it. Some of the favorite clothes that I loved seeing on him. I realized I won't be seeing the sexy man under the clothes. I cried. But I have to be strong. We've been down this road twice already. things would change for a few months, and then it would fall back into old habbits. I have tried valiantly. Sometimes you can love someone with all you can give, but sometimes love isn't enough. There needs to be other things that bind you together.
He is now going to school, which is something I have wanted him to do for two years. A little bit too late for us, but wonderful for him. Right now, it's not in my game plan to have him here with me physically. If once his life gets in order, and my life is where I want it to be, and our two paths cross again, if fate wants us to be together it will happen. But now I can only say that I will miss him. I won't miss the fighting, or tears, but I will miss his smile and the love in his eyes. I don't wish him ill thoughts. I want him to succeed. I want him to know that he will always have a place in my heart for the good in him.
Breakups, do they always have to hurt so much?
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