Happy Christmas and Merry New Year
Merry Christmas everyone!
I wish to apologize for my absense yet again. I am forever grateful for those of you who keep returning. Now that Kim's Christmas concert is over and Christmas has passed for yet another year, I should be able to get back on track again, writing daily.
The past two weeks have been very busy here. Shopping, wrapping, and baking. OK, those who know me will be going what??? You're baking? I teased you, there has been no baking, lots of eating, but no baking. I am in awe at the bakers and kitchen masters of this world. I could be like them, but I would have to wonder when I would have the time. I will rely on my friends and family and my bf to feed me. :)
I would just like to take some time to talk about Christmas. Christmas when I was growing up was never about family because I was always surrounded by my own. The three of us. Big big family! Me, Mom and Dad. My birthday is 10 days from Christmas, so many times I would get a bigger present as a birthday Christmas present. I began to really dislike them. I would always get two presents, that's it. I know, as a child, Christmas was always about presents, and the hype to Santa coming, and then it was almost a let down as Christmas would be over in five minutes or less, depending on how quickly I opened my gifts.
While I was with Kim's father, Christmas took on a new meaning, one that I had wanted for a long long time. The wish for a large family. Her father had a bigger family than mine, and their love and kindness along with their best friends - whose family was twice the size of ours, made for a wonderful get together. I began to see the true meaning of Christmas. It was never about presents, although nice, I was always filled with love and surrounded by family. My parents were always invited for dinner, and Auntie Trish and Uncle Elmer and their many kids and boarders, and Peggy and Marty and us, the bodies around the table were my family - none of them blood, but my family none the less. My dreams had come true. After a huge meal, we would gather in the living room Peggy would play the piano or the organ and we would sing Christmas carols, or play cards. When I had Kim, it was also a new beginning. Grandchildren bring on another chapter of what Christmas is about. Not about the presents for the little ones, it's the boxes! Kim had more fun with the box than the present. We would be disappointed she wasn't playing with the toy we bought, but she was never disappointed.
One year when Kim was two, her grandfather dressed up as Santa, it was educational if I can say anything at all. I think this is why Kim was always afraid of Santa. hahaha Kim wanted nothing to do with Santa, Her uncle Danny who was maybe 12 or 13 at that time, wanted to show little Kimmie that Santa was good and he sat on Santa's knee, and Santa gave him a candy cane. It was pretty funny seeing Danny - who was as tall as Santa, sitting on his knee and telling him what he wanted for Christmas. But Kimmie still didn't want to go anywhere near Santa or his knee. I remember that day like it was yesterday.
Unfortunately, a bad marriage and a divorce left me family-less. I wanted my family, 13 years of family traditions gone. I never understood why we couldn't stay married to the family. Danny was my little brother, Peggy was a mother to me. Marty was a dad. I was empty and lost. Kim was still lucky enough to have these family members in her life, when her father chose it to be. Christmas was hard on me during these years. I didn't like not having a family, and I didn't really like being away from my daughter on Christmas day either, but we worked through it. We would go to my mom and dad's on Christmas eve and have a nice dinner, open presents and go home. Now 15 years later, this Christmas was one of almost the same greatness as when Kim was little. This Christmas will be one that I will never forget.
About five years ago, I was blessed with finding a half brother. His family welcomed Kim and I into their home. About a year later we found our birth mother. The first couple of Christmas's with them were very very hard on me. I would talk to them on the phone and talk to my little nieces and my other brother and my sister and my memere, and aunties... and Kim would be with her father's family, and when I hung up I cried for at least two hours. Last year me, Kim and Abdi spent our first Christmas with my mother. It was everything I wanted. This year finances would not allow us to go again, so I had my Christmas eve talk with my momma early Christmas eve. :) actually it was the day before. I had a little cry when I saw some pics of my sister and my nieces who are growing up way to quickly without me, and after about an hour of feeling sorry for myself, I prepared for the rest of the day.
Over the last six months, my ex husband's brother and wife have been so wonderful to me and Kim. Although I know it will never be what it used to be because of feelings with my ex, I am so grateful to be included as a part of the family. Marty has always been friendly and warm and Peggy has always been polite when it come to getting together at one of Kim's functions. At graduation things started to change. The invitations for dinner have been a little more than just a holiday gathering. Kim is getting a chance to know her aunt and uncle. She is becoming closer to them and her cousins and because of this, that makes her feel good and needed. It makes me feel good too because Kim deserves to see her family without any complications or guilt. They need to know that Kim wants to be with them, and everything that was, is not necessarily how it is.
I'm not going to go into a lot of details about the past, maybe another day I will write for a specific audience. Today, I will focus on the good of the holidays.
On Christmas eve, Kim Santana Abdi and I went for dinner at Alex and Dan's. Alex's family was there and so were Kim's grandma and grandpa. For the first time I was part of Alex's family tradition of sharing the host. I don't know why, but I always cry at these things! I think more because I was with a family I had considered my own and loved the same. The host was something that Alex's grandmother used to do, and Alex has now passed on this tradition to me. Thank you Alex. Everyone around the table would have a piece of bread. Each person would go to everyone around the room and have them break off a piece of bread and the other would do the same. Wishes of peace and love and blessings went around the room, with each piece of bread that was broken. When I got to Marty, I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I have missed them soo much and that night we were together again.
I have never stopped loving Kim's grandma and grandpa or her uncle. Now I have Alex in my heart as well. Their thoughts have always been with me. Some people always stay in your heart. This family was always my family. Although someone may not like it, but it's the truth. You can change some things, but I will always have a connection to this family through my daughter. I never understood why we couldn't carry on a relationship after the divorce. I never wanted to hurt anyone, and what I tried to do was keep that family a part of Kim's life. But I was always shut down. For me, it was about Kim. Kim needed to see her family. Kim needed to feel important and loved. I didn't want to be with her father anymore, but I still wanted Kim to be a part of her family. It seems now, that chance is making itself available. Although we can not bring back the years that were missed, we can make a difference in the present for the future.
Thank you Alex and Dan, for giving me a chance at being part of a family that has always been dear to my heart. And thank you for allowing Kim a chance to be in your life. She has needed you guys and always will. I can only be support for her for so many things. There are other things she needs an aunt and uncle for. As for Abdi, Abdi came home feeling a little loved as well. He says he's likes you guys - you are good personals. (He says in his language persons are called personals)
This Christmas has given me the reminder of what should be happening not only at Christmas but all through the year. Cherish the ones you love, live for today not yesterday, for we cannot change the past, it's done and gone. We can make a difference in the future. Open your heart and you will find peace and happiness, believe in a power greater than us and pray for those important to you and those less fortunate, the ones who don't have the love and kindness that we have been blessed with.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!
I wish to apologize for my absense yet again. I am forever grateful for those of you who keep returning. Now that Kim's Christmas concert is over and Christmas has passed for yet another year, I should be able to get back on track again, writing daily.
The past two weeks have been very busy here. Shopping, wrapping, and baking. OK, those who know me will be going what??? You're baking? I teased you, there has been no baking, lots of eating, but no baking. I am in awe at the bakers and kitchen masters of this world. I could be like them, but I would have to wonder when I would have the time. I will rely on my friends and family and my bf to feed me. :)
I would just like to take some time to talk about Christmas. Christmas when I was growing up was never about family because I was always surrounded by my own. The three of us. Big big family! Me, Mom and Dad. My birthday is 10 days from Christmas, so many times I would get a bigger present as a birthday Christmas present. I began to really dislike them. I would always get two presents, that's it. I know, as a child, Christmas was always about presents, and the hype to Santa coming, and then it was almost a let down as Christmas would be over in five minutes or less, depending on how quickly I opened my gifts.
While I was with Kim's father, Christmas took on a new meaning, one that I had wanted for a long long time. The wish for a large family. Her father had a bigger family than mine, and their love and kindness along with their best friends - whose family was twice the size of ours, made for a wonderful get together. I began to see the true meaning of Christmas. It was never about presents, although nice, I was always filled with love and surrounded by family. My parents were always invited for dinner, and Auntie Trish and Uncle Elmer and their many kids and boarders, and Peggy and Marty and us, the bodies around the table were my family - none of them blood, but my family none the less. My dreams had come true. After a huge meal, we would gather in the living room Peggy would play the piano or the organ and we would sing Christmas carols, or play cards. When I had Kim, it was also a new beginning. Grandchildren bring on another chapter of what Christmas is about. Not about the presents for the little ones, it's the boxes! Kim had more fun with the box than the present. We would be disappointed she wasn't playing with the toy we bought, but she was never disappointed.
One year when Kim was two, her grandfather dressed up as Santa, it was educational if I can say anything at all. I think this is why Kim was always afraid of Santa. hahaha Kim wanted nothing to do with Santa, Her uncle Danny who was maybe 12 or 13 at that time, wanted to show little Kimmie that Santa was good and he sat on Santa's knee, and Santa gave him a candy cane. It was pretty funny seeing Danny - who was as tall as Santa, sitting on his knee and telling him what he wanted for Christmas. But Kimmie still didn't want to go anywhere near Santa or his knee. I remember that day like it was yesterday.
Unfortunately, a bad marriage and a divorce left me family-less. I wanted my family, 13 years of family traditions gone. I never understood why we couldn't stay married to the family. Danny was my little brother, Peggy was a mother to me. Marty was a dad. I was empty and lost. Kim was still lucky enough to have these family members in her life, when her father chose it to be. Christmas was hard on me during these years. I didn't like not having a family, and I didn't really like being away from my daughter on Christmas day either, but we worked through it. We would go to my mom and dad's on Christmas eve and have a nice dinner, open presents and go home. Now 15 years later, this Christmas was one of almost the same greatness as when Kim was little. This Christmas will be one that I will never forget.
About five years ago, I was blessed with finding a half brother. His family welcomed Kim and I into their home. About a year later we found our birth mother. The first couple of Christmas's with them were very very hard on me. I would talk to them on the phone and talk to my little nieces and my other brother and my sister and my memere, and aunties... and Kim would be with her father's family, and when I hung up I cried for at least two hours. Last year me, Kim and Abdi spent our first Christmas with my mother. It was everything I wanted. This year finances would not allow us to go again, so I had my Christmas eve talk with my momma early Christmas eve. :) actually it was the day before. I had a little cry when I saw some pics of my sister and my nieces who are growing up way to quickly without me, and after about an hour of feeling sorry for myself, I prepared for the rest of the day.
Over the last six months, my ex husband's brother and wife have been so wonderful to me and Kim. Although I know it will never be what it used to be because of feelings with my ex, I am so grateful to be included as a part of the family. Marty has always been friendly and warm and Peggy has always been polite when it come to getting together at one of Kim's functions. At graduation things started to change. The invitations for dinner have been a little more than just a holiday gathering. Kim is getting a chance to know her aunt and uncle. She is becoming closer to them and her cousins and because of this, that makes her feel good and needed. It makes me feel good too because Kim deserves to see her family without any complications or guilt. They need to know that Kim wants to be with them, and everything that was, is not necessarily how it is.
I'm not going to go into a lot of details about the past, maybe another day I will write for a specific audience. Today, I will focus on the good of the holidays.
On Christmas eve, Kim Santana Abdi and I went for dinner at Alex and Dan's. Alex's family was there and so were Kim's grandma and grandpa. For the first time I was part of Alex's family tradition of sharing the host. I don't know why, but I always cry at these things! I think more because I was with a family I had considered my own and loved the same. The host was something that Alex's grandmother used to do, and Alex has now passed on this tradition to me. Thank you Alex. Everyone around the table would have a piece of bread. Each person would go to everyone around the room and have them break off a piece of bread and the other would do the same. Wishes of peace and love and blessings went around the room, with each piece of bread that was broken. When I got to Marty, I lost it. I couldn't stop crying. I have missed them soo much and that night we were together again.
I have never stopped loving Kim's grandma and grandpa or her uncle. Now I have Alex in my heart as well. Their thoughts have always been with me. Some people always stay in your heart. This family was always my family. Although someone may not like it, but it's the truth. You can change some things, but I will always have a connection to this family through my daughter. I never understood why we couldn't carry on a relationship after the divorce. I never wanted to hurt anyone, and what I tried to do was keep that family a part of Kim's life. But I was always shut down. For me, it was about Kim. Kim needed to see her family. Kim needed to feel important and loved. I didn't want to be with her father anymore, but I still wanted Kim to be a part of her family. It seems now, that chance is making itself available. Although we can not bring back the years that were missed, we can make a difference in the present for the future.
Thank you Alex and Dan, for giving me a chance at being part of a family that has always been dear to my heart. And thank you for allowing Kim a chance to be in your life. She has needed you guys and always will. I can only be support for her for so many things. There are other things she needs an aunt and uncle for. As for Abdi, Abdi came home feeling a little loved as well. He says he's likes you guys - you are good personals. (He says in his language persons are called personals)
This Christmas has given me the reminder of what should be happening not only at Christmas but all through the year. Cherish the ones you love, live for today not yesterday, for we cannot change the past, it's done and gone. We can make a difference in the future. Open your heart and you will find peace and happiness, believe in a power greater than us and pray for those important to you and those less fortunate, the ones who don't have the love and kindness that we have been blessed with.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!
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